ASSCAPADES
Sex can be fun. It can be personal and it can be casual. But it all depends on the people doing it. Sex is never just one thing. I think that’s why there are so many names for it. Unfortunately most of them are considered rude but I think they are all very descriptive of different types of sex. Amanda fucked and screwed; she never made love. Everyday people like Joe and me get lucky or do it. Occasionally, like Jodie and I; people fool around. Uneducated layabouts hump whereas intellectuals copulate. Dogs tend to go at it, strippers grind, politicians get involved in hanky-panky; jail-bate chavs get nailed, bimbos get ploughed and show-offs get some action. A majority of the population are the boring people, who simply go to bed with each other. The best porn stars can freestyle. They can take the best techniques and styles of any kind of intercourse and know which is best for any particular scene they may be shooting. This of course is totally secondary to the number one rule of porn stardom; you have to enjoy it. You cannot be a porn star who looks incredible but just lies there getting fucked. You have to work it. You have to be into it. The punters don’t just want to see people fuck; they want to see gorgeous girls enjoying themselves so much that they reach orgasmic heights of happiness. However the girls don’t always just turn it on. Sometimes it’s up to the director to keep them passionate. I’ve filmed three films so far; fifteen sex scenes in total. I only occasionally had to direct the actual action. I’d usually just let the professionals do what they do best. They know more about porn than I do. But this next film was different; this was going to be my directorial debut. Hazza was going to let me do things the way I wanted and I wanted the sex in Asscapades to be fucking amazing.
Day one of the three day shoot and we start at a location a half hour drive away from the office. Hazza and I arrive at an empty house, which is ours to do what we want in for the whole morning and set up the lights and camera equipment. Alex is back in Mexico, seeing his family and so Steve is replacing his camera duties on this shoot. He used to work for Salsa full time before leaving to achieve more mainstream stuff, so naturally he’s back filming as soon as Hazza calls him. If you’re looking for Steve in a crowded area, you can’t miss him; he’s the guy wearing the leather cowboy hat, long black trench coat and eyeliner. According to Hazza, when Steve walked past the local school on his way to work, the kids would shout, “Oi Gothic!” and this actually made him walk the long way around to bypass the teasing children.
This morning’s talent is 25 year old Isobel Ice from somewhere in the West Country by the sound of her accent. She’s not the most attractive girl I’ve seen but she has an incredible pair of boobs. She also mistakes me for a porn star when Hazza introduces us, which boosts my confidence immensely. She’s going to be fucking Tristan, a French porn superstar who we had used in Fresh Off The Bus 3. The set up is pretty simple. I have five envelopes, each with a porno challenge written on them. I get Tristan to choose one, open it up and read it out. The first challenge is to persuade an estate agent to fuck him while she shows us round a property. I mention to the camera that I have a friend who’s buying a property and that he saw a really sexy, up for it agent. I give him a call and we cut. Moments later we await the arrival of our estate agent and Isobel arrives on the scene in appropriate attire including a sexy pair of spectacles. We head into our rented location and she shows us around while we sneak peaks down her very open top and make constant insinuations. Of course as this is a film we have to shoot these set-up scenes a few times from different angles and it amazes me how brilliant Isobel is at improvising. It’s like she’s stepped out of Whose Line is it Anyway as she takes us through the house telling us about its history and the décor. I’m almost deliriously happy with how it’s going when we get to the master bedroom, the place where the action will take place. I interrupt her in mid sentence and ask her how her money situation is. She tells me that she’s pretty comfortable. I argue that everyone could always do with some more cash but she tells me that her finances aren’t any of my business and looks at me blankly. I’m completely stuck and totally confused about how I’m supposed to get her to have sex with Tristan. This is ridiculous; I’ve failed to get a porn star to have sex in the intro of a porn film. You’d think it should be easy to get an adult movie star sucking cock when you’re actually filming an adult film. I turn to Steve, who’s holding the camera.
“She’s making this very difficult,” I say. Steve laughs at me.
“That’s what you get when you don’t have a script motherfucker!” he tells me and actually smiles for the first time all morning. I tell Isobel not to play too hard-to-get and we film it again. This time it turns out she could definitely do with some more cash, just I had thought, and when I open up my briefcase full of money she’s totally up for fucking Tristan on camera, right then and there. Holding two wads of cash in her hand she asks if she can have another if she blows me but I tell her I’m here in a strictly professional capacity and she squeezes my cheek and tells me that’s a shame. They start kissing and caressing on the bed and we cut. I take over filming duties and Steve mopes off downstairs. I had decided to film all the soft and hard parts separate with one camera. I felt this would make for better scenes and as I’m shooting I know I’m right. The scene is incredible. Isobel even squirts three times onto the already filthy looking mattress we’re using, which is incredible to witness first hand. I’ve only ever seen someone do that once before. It was a night out in London a few years ago with Joe and some colleagues of his who worked for ITV. Carla was an assistant producer or something and after a few drinks in a nightclub I tried my luck. She stopped me as I went in for a kiss, “What’s my name?” she asked. Fuck, what the hell was her name! Reach deep into that head of yours Rick, this is important. I knew it was something like Sara, Lara. It definitely ended in –ara!
“Kara,” I said confidently.
“It’s Carla,” she replied. I had to think fast, she wasn’t looking impressed.
“I’m sure Joe said it was Kara, I’m sorry.” I waited. She looked at me. I had gotten away with it! A full snog session commenced and we found ourselves on some staircase in the back of the club. I started touching her all over and she told me to rip her tights open, I oblige and as I touched her a gush of liquid hit the ground. I remember thinking, fucking hell what is that? When I realised, it was such a turn on. We ended up standing in a puddle, even she was shocked! You know a girl is enjoying herself when that happens and Isobel was loving getting fucked in the arse on camera.
“Looks like you were having a good time there!” I say after we’re done shooting. Isobel turns to me, still naked and now covered in come.
“You know what it was,” she says, “I was almost coming in pussy, then we changed to anal and I was like... err... then I just changed my mentality and I was playing with my pussy thinking, I’ve only just met this fucker and already he’s got his cock up my arse and I came!” She starts laughing hysterically, holding her hands on her cheeks like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. “I came ‘cause I’m a fucking pig!”
We move locations to a fantastic open plan apartment in Covent Garden and start setting up for our afternoon scene, where Tristan, Hungarian starlet Lara and I break into someone’s house so they can fuck inside. The photos take so long to do that it’s pitch black outside by the time we start filming. Everything goes well up to the bit where Keni, playing the role of the house owner, comes down and gets in on the action. Apparently he’d been up pretty late last night fucking his girlfriend, who happens to be Isobel, who we shot that morning! He’s having a job keeping it up and he ends up watching Tristan do most of the fucking. The DP we were planning on doing isn’t going to happen and I have no idea how to make this scene work. Hazza comes in and tells Keni to take a seat and to just join in whenever he can. I grab all of the soft content we need with no problems but the hard is a bit of a disappointment. There’s only so much you can do when this problem occurs. It’s no use telling the guy to be hard, any kind of added pressure is just going to make things worse. Keni looks like he’s about to keel over from exhaustion, thankfully we still have Tristan going strong. Keni ends up not being able come at all but we still needed a come shot for his character. Tristan, showing utter virility, offers to ejaculate twice. I tell Hazza I can simply flip Tristan’s pop shot and cut it with Keni’s expressions. Crisis averted.
The next day we film me with a Loudspeaker calling for horny students in front of a university, of course one of those students ready and willing to participate is Dora Venter. Cue amazing threesome with Tristan and Danny Boy. The scene after that had me and Diana Gold out on the streets looking for a random guy to fuck her. We actually manage to talk to some real strangers who think it’s a wind up! Grasshopper even makes an appearance as some guy who seems incredibly scared of the notion of having sex with a lady! We eventually get our stooge in and the scene is all good.
Day three of shooting arrives and I’m informed that we have to change the last scene due to location problems. Hazza has arranged for us to film in a local shop and in one of the units next to Relish. Mark Sloan’s challenge is to find a sexy shop assistant and persuade her to get fucked in the arse. As it’s a Friday I’ve invited Jodie to come down to the office to hang out and have a few drinks with everyone while I’m filming. Whenever you’re filming people have sex, you tend to get a little horny yourself at the end of the day, so instead of simply looking up free internet porn tonight, I’m going to be with Jodie and I was looking forward to spending some time with her.
Our model for today, Pearl, arrives with a smile on her face and Hazza quickly gets her into make up, while I finish up playing in the footage from yesterday. Dee Dee walks into the office from outside.
“Is that who you’re filmin’ today?” She asks?
“Yeah, is she hot?” I enquire.
“Her tits are bigger than my head. It’s fuckin’ disgustin’!” Oh my lord, things just got more interesting. The picture I saw of her was only of her face, which looked gorgeous and now she has enormous boobs too? Fucking jackpot. Hazza walks into the office and closes the door behind him.
“Rick, ok… um… look… she’s just told me she’s four months pregnant,” says Hazza, obviously not too sure how to feel. “So when you’re shooting the sex, maybe make her keep the dress on around her stomach.”
“You are not serious,” says Dee Dee. “She’s fuckin’ pregnant? You can’t shoot her like that?” Don perks up from behind his desk.
“That’s great, I’ve been getting requests for this kind of shit,” he says. Dee Dee looks back at him with utter disgust.
“That’s fucked up man,” she says and walks into the toilet. This is going to be one heck of an interesting scene!
After her make-up’s done I take Mark and Pearl along with Grasshopper to shoot the intro to the scene. Getting my first real look at Pearl gets my heart racing, she’s practically my dream woman; dyed red hair, huge boobs, full lips and bright eyes. She just looks perfect. Although I can’t help but wonder exactly how big a foetus is at four months and whether Mark’s cock is going to be poking it. As well as being pregnant, Pearl had also informed us that her husband, who had dropped her off and was picking her up thought is was a girl/girl scene. She apparently needed the money and was gracious enough to let her hubby know she’d be taking a cock this afternoon. In her bum. I feel a bit awkward; I’ve shot three series’ for Relish and no-one had been coerced into doing anything they didn’t want to. Everyone had wanted to be there; they loved fucking and were getting paid too. I’m suddenly faced with the harsh reality of life and work. It’s very easy to find yourself stuck and fall back on something you know. Pearl needed work and this was the easiest thing to find. I guess the risk of waiting for something else to come along just wasn’t worth it. It does raise a lot of questions about how people in the sex industry can maintain relationships. How can there be the trust that is needed? I do know of couples that are very happy together and surprisingly, these tend to be the ones where only one of them is in the industry. I suppose that way it’s easier to separate work from home life. The sex in porn is so very different to sex in real life. I can see quite easily how a porn star could isolate the two. In a relationship you don’t tell your partner to move from a reverse cowgirl position and prepare for the pile-driver, before sitting her down and wanking into her face.
Grasshopper fires up the camera and I introduce Mark to the audience. Our challenge is to find a shop assistant, so we head to the high street and the shop, which we’re filming in. We place Pearl at the counter and I can’t stop looking at her body, sure she has a slight tummy bump but in relation to the two enormous sweater kittens up top, it actually looks very normal!
Mark and I head outside and we film us peering in, gawping at the incredible sight before us. She’s showing her body off and leaning over, rearranging the objects in the sop. She heads downstairs as we’d arranged and we make our way in.
“Hello is there anyone here?” I ask.
“Ah yes I’m downstairs… all the jewels are downstairs,” she replies. Mark and I give each other an amazed look and we head downstairs. She’s waiting for us and we I introduce Mark and myself.
“Anything catch your eye?” She asks.
“Well there are a couple of things,” I reply staring at her massive rack. Seriously, it’s like a shelf. I open the briefcase and tell her we’re prepared to give her a lot of money. I doubt I’m ever going to get another opportunity to have a fondle of those puppies and every ounce of my being is telling me to find a way to get it done. I remember we’re shooting a porn film right now, I’m also supposed to be directing this thing, surely if I want to have a go on her huge-tracks-of-land, I should just do it. Hazza’s always been the one to instigate this kind of stuff though. Man up Dick Bush, this is your moment. Hazza’s not here. You’re the fucking man, just fucking do it. I pull out a wad of cash.
“If I give you this wad right here, would you… let me feel your tits?” I ask. Pearl giggles, smiling at me.
“Ooh, yeah ok,” she says grabbing the wad of cash from me. I instantly start slowly caressing her bosom, pushing them together and they immediately look like a massive arse.
“Oh my God, they look like a massive…” I suddenly think that maybe I shouldn’t liken her fantastic appendages to a bottom and find myself wondering what the hell I should say next, when this comes out, “…pair of tits!” You’re a genius Rick. I get back to the briefcase and start to wonder how far I can take this. I offer her another wad of cash and ask if she’d let me finger her.
“You know what,” she says, caressing the side of her body, “you two are so horny, yeah, yeah I would actually!” I give her the wad of cash and tell Grasshopper, who seems to nearly drop the camera with excitement, to get a shot from down below. It’s at this point that I realise she’s not wearing any underwear and start touching her lady part. Pearl starts moaning, like she really enjoys it and head back into the briefcase and pull out two more wads of cash.
“For these two wads of cash, would you suck this guys cock and fuck him on camera?” I ask, shaking the cash wads in front of her. Pearl laughs, her hands already full of dirty money.
“Mmm, yeah he’s gorgeous. Alright then,” she says. I suggest she shuts up stop early and come with us and we all make out way out of the shop. We’re all laughing about how fun that was as we make our way back to the office. We’ve set up a sofa in an office next door and Grasshopper gets the lights all set up.
In the Relish office I show everyone the playback of the intro we just shot, feeling immensely proud of myself that I got to grope and finger the talent!
Jodie arrives and I get her a drink as a few more of Hazza’s friends make there way in. It seems like he’s decided that tonight is going to be party night as we film next door! I show Jodie around and introduce her to everyone and I’m forced to go and work and leave her chatting to our new designer Miles who I think is an utter twat. We were both going to scout some locations for the film a few weeks ago and had arranged to meet up at 9am in Central London. I waited an entire hour, constantly ringing his mobile to no avail. I did the scouting by myself and when I got back to the office he hadn’t even come in to work. When he did arrive his excuse was that he though we were meeting at 10am. I waited till 10am, he wasn’t fucking there. I really don’t want anything to do with him but now he’s chatting away to Jodie while I film people have sex next door.
About an hour or so later and we’ve reached the pop shot stage. Mark is preparing himself as Pearl waits sitting next to him on the sofa. Grasshopper and I both have cameras in our hands, waiting for that all important moment that can only be shot once! As we wait, Mark suddenly makes a noise, grabs his leg, saying he’s got a cramp and ejaculates over himself. I get my camera turned on so quickly but even though Mark gets into some kind of position above Pearl, it’s too late. We weren’t ready, I’m horrified; my directorial debut has resulted in disaster. No pop shot for scene 5! I haven’t got a clue what to do as Mark starts explaining how the cramp suddenly made him come.
“Can’t we just fake it? Squirt some lube on her?” Mark asks.
“I’ll have to see what we’ve got,” I say after briefly considering suggesting I cream over her grab-handles myself and head to the store room looking for something we can use to spray lube. I come back with a camera lens blower, which gets rid of dirt and hairs from camera parts when you squeeze it. I mix up some lube, milk and water to make a very life like semen substitute and suck a load up into the lens blower, on to which I’ve managed to attach a short tube. The only problem is getting it close to Mark’s cock. I look over at Grasshopper, sitting there not doing nearly enough to help. Cocky bastard, it’s time he earned that Production Assistant title of his.
“OK Mark, if you stand over Pearl, holding your cock,” I instruct “Pearl, you’re caressing those boobs of yours, urging him to come. Grasshopper, get between Mark’s legs.” Grasshopper reluctantly makes his way underneath Mark Sloan’s sweaty groin and cups the lens blower in his hand, directly below his balls. Mark holds the piece of tubing under his cock and I start filming over his shoulder, looking down at it and Pearl’s boobs. Mark and Grasshopper exchange a few words about when to squeeze and we get going. The first take looks like the jizz shoots out the side of Mark’s member. The second take I see the tubing poking out. For the third take we remove Grasshopper and Mark attempts to operate the blower himself. Success, it looks just like a proper come shot. Grasshopper goes and washes his hands and we film the last little bit where we say goodbye. It’s over. It’s done. A giant struggle uphill has finally been conquered.
We remove ourselves to the Relish office for a few drinks and I find Jodie in the editing suite with Miles and she seems to be crying.
“Hey, what’s up?” I ask, genuinely concerned. Miles gets up and slowly backs me out of the room.
“I don’t think she really wants to talk to you right now,’ he says and closes the door. What the fuck?? What is going on? What has he done? I grab a drink and sit with Hazza and Grasshopper as our fake pop shot is explained, still wondering what Jodie is crying about.
A few minutes later Miles leaves the edit suite and I walk in there, closing the door behind me. I sit down with Jodie, who has now stopped crying.
“Hey, you ok?” I ask.
“Yeah, Miles told me what you did with the porn star though.” That son of a bitch! What did he think he was doing?
“Me groping her in the movie? I’m shooting porn here,” I explain.
“You’re not a porn star Rick,” she says.
“I’m hosting, it looks good to do stuff like that; it’s not real, it’s just for show.” She seems quite upset about it and I feel guilty that it’s because of me but I’m mostly so fucking damn pissed off at Miles. Seriously, what kind of guy does that? Hmm, I have dirt on Rick, I’ll tell Jodie what an arse he is and then maybe she’ll go home with me instead. Utter wanker.
After a few minutes making out in the editing room, Jodie and I head back to mine, I make sure I give Miles an utterly scornful look, just letting him know how much of a prick he is and also that he had no fucking chance with her.
Jodie is great, and I love spending time with her. She has this great Liverpudlian accent, but don’t tell her that or you’ll hear, “I’m from The Wirral!" I love making her laugh, and though I may rip the piss out of the way she says certain things, it’s all in good fun. I’d never make fun of someone I don’t like. I’m not quite sure what we’ve become though; I guess the technical term is fuck buddies but that just sounds so crass. I feel like it’s a friendship with benefits, we hang out, have a drink, invite each other to parties and events but we’re not seeing each other. Why? I’m not sure. I remember wanting that when I first met her but right now I feel very comfortable. There’s no commitment, no pressure. She’s someone I can watch TV with. It’s the best!
