GRASSHOPPER
As I head into the editing room and say good morning to Alex who has also just arrived, I notice this grin on his face.
“You’re back! Feeling better?” He asks. I’d been ill with a stomach bug that kept me in bed most of yesterday.
“Yes, what did I miss?” I ask back, not really expecting much.
“Oh my God, dude. I can’t believe you weren’t here,” he says as Hazza walks in.
“Dick! Feeling better? I tell you what, you picked the wrong day to start puking buddy,” says Hazza, slapping me on the back and making his way to his desk.
“Seriously!” Adds Alex, “Can we show him the tape?” He asks Hazza.
“Oh the tape! Yes, stick it on!” He replies and Alex grabs the camera next to the Avid and ejects he tape.
“Morning everyone,” says Jasper, strolling into the office, “Can you believe the sluttiness of some of these girls, absolutely amazing. I tell you what, that’s a first day on the job that he’s not going to forget!”
“What the fuck did I miss yesterday?” I ask.
“Oh Bushy, you weren’t here yesterday were you?” Jasper asks. He goes on to explain to me that they had asked Nancy, who was in Fresh Off The Bus 2 to come into the office yesterday to talk about a contract, which I find rather odd because Relish doesn’t have any girls on contract. Hazza explains that they’re off to Berlin in a couple of weeks time for the Venus porn Expo and want her to accompany them. A few days ago Jasper had received a phone call from a student, called Michael, enquiring about doing some production assistant work; he asked the lad if he knew Relish was a porn company. He didn’t. To which Jasper roared with laughter and invited him down after his meeting at the BBC about a runner position! Michael seemed nice enough, if a little too-cool-for-school, he wore his jeans halfway down his legs, had an earring and seemed to generally consider himself the king of cool. Jasper and Hazza offered to pay him £100 for three days work a week. Obviously Michael didn’t bother with the BBC job! Alex was ecstatic as Michael was exactly his type; young, skinny and boyish. When he accepted the job, we decided to call him Grasshopper as he seemed to have a lot to learn! Yesterday was to be his first day.
Alex explains how Grasshopper arrived right in the middle of Jasper and Hazza’s meeting with Nancy and as they were having a mini-party through next-door with alcohol and all sorts, they decided to bring Grasshopper through and have some fun. Alex presses play on the tape deck and the video starts.
Grasshopper sits down in the meeting room next door and Hazza introduces him to Nancy who shakes his hand.
“So this is just a little video so we can get to know what you’re background is and get to know you a bit better ok?” Asks Hazza.
“Uh… yeah,” says Grasshopper, seeming a little nervous.
“So do you have any editing experience?” Hazza asks.
“How big’s his cock?” Jasper asks Nancy, who proceeds to reach down in-between his legs and start caressing his groin.
“Uh, I’ve edited… short films…. For University,” he answers with a quiver in his speech.
“And what editing program were you using?” Enquires Hazza as Nancy starts unzipping Grasshopper’s fly and getting his cock out.
“I was using... Final Cut Pro…” replies Grasshopper as Nancy moves her head down to his lap and starts sucking his penis. Jasper roars with laughter from behind the camera as Grasshopper’s face goes completely red.
“Well we use Avid here, but it’s very similar. I take it you’d be happy to learn how to use that?” Asks Hazza, somehow playing the straight man, which causes all of us watching the video to burst out with laughter. He moves the camera over to Jasper, who is in uncontrollable fits of hysterics. It’s obvious the interview really isn’t going anywhere and they ask Grasshopper to leave, who does so, pulling up his fly and buckling his belt.
Although his face seemed to be one of pure fear and nerves during his initiation into the world of porn, I’m sure he went home and told a very different story to his friends about how on his first day at work, he got sucked off by a porn star!
Hazza fast forwards to the point where they try to get her to do stuff to the rest of the employees. Designer Paul comes in but absolutely refuses to let her do anything to him while the camera’s rolling but Alex doesn’t seem to be as shy. He walks into the meeting room and is introduced to Nancy.
“I’m not quite sure what you can do for Alex, as he’s our resident homosexual,” says Jasper, “You still liked getting your cock sucked though, right mate?”
“How about she licks my ass?” He says, with a hopeful look on his face.
“Sure,” Nancy says and Alex proceeds to turn around, pull down his jeans and present his arse to her face, much to the raucous guffaws of Jasper and Hazza.
I can by see his wincing expressions as Nancy seemingly devours his brown-star behind him, that she’s really going for it and everyone crowded round the monitor are pissing themselves with laughter.
“Alright guys,” says Jasper, “time to get to work.” We stop the tape and get on with editing. Hazza informs us that we have a new male model coming in later today, who he wants us to audition. Female porn stars really don’t need much of an audition, I’d seen a few of them on old tapes and they were pretty much asked to do a striptease on camera. To be honest, it’s not the girls you have to worry about. As long as they’re pretty and not completely devoid of sexuality, you know they’ll do a good scene. It’s the guys that you need to be sure can actually do the deed. It’s a lot harder than it seems; sure you may be able to get an erection with no problems when you need to but add the pressure of having to get a chubby as people look on filming you with cameras and you’ll find that only a handful of the population can do it.
Not really wanting to be the one who films this guy masturbate and ejaculate I say Alex should do it! Alex leaps at the chance and even wonders if he’ll need a helping hand.
When the model, Jon Janes, arrives I give Alex a copy of the James Bond parody Cocktopussy script I wrote and tell him to make Jon say a few lines from it. I’m really hoping that Hazza and Jasper decide to let me make it. The reality stuff is good but I really think we could make something spectacular if we tried. Porn with action in it! Alex leads Jon next door with a camera and Hazza walks into the editing room.
“Hey buddy, you seem a lot happier these days,” he says. “How did everything work out with your mate and that girl?”
“Yeah, I know, I was totally out of it last week. It was pretty difficult actually. She broke his heart and fucked off. He’s probably feeling the way I did.” Hazza sits down and sighs.
“Yeah, mates before muff buddy. That’s how it should be. Always.”
When Alex comes back in, I’m alone in the editing suite and he stands there at the doorway looking at me sheepishly like a child who’s done something very, very wrong.
“I did something bad,” he says so very softly.
“What did you do Alex?” I ask. He mumbles something and I ask again.
“After he left... I took the tissue he used and masturbated in the toilet while sniffing it.” I drop my head into my hands as Alex comes in and sits down. “Is that bad?” He asks.
“Alex! Yes, that’s… well… no… I mean… Alex, you do what you need to do buddy. There’s nothing wrong with that. But at the same time… I really can’t believe you did that! And why tell me!?”
“I thought you liked hearing about my stories.”
“I do Alex. I do. Please keep them coming. Tell Hazza!”
“Nooo, you can’t tell him!” I’m not surprised by anything Alex does or tells me anymore. I don’t think any of us are; not since in his second week here he shagged the sandwich boy, who comes around every lunchtime selling food! Jasper of course just loves his filthy stories. If Alex starts to tell him something he’ll suddenly stop him in mid sentence, stand him in the middle of the office and have him tell the tale to everyone!
The following Friday we’re gearing up for Asscapades, which we will be shooting next week and the whole of the office is having lunch at a nearby pub. Alex has already started flirting with the nineteen year old Grasshopper; asking to see his abs etc. That combined with Grasshoppers lust for attention has given rise to a bizarre cat and mouse game which tends to involve Grasshopper teasing Alex then running away, leaving him telling me how much he wants to fuck him. It’s a delight.
As we’re waiting for our food we all order some drinks and Alex suggests tequila shots. By the end of the meal we’re all three sheets to the wind and as we make our way back to the office Alex makes his move.
“Seriously, Mikey,” Alex says to Grasshopper, “just let me suck your cock.”
“No man!” Grasshopper replies. Everyone’s laughing at them but Alex continues.
“Oh come on, I’ll pay you.”
“How much?” Asks Grasshopper, loving the attention.
“I will pay you fifty pounds to let me suck your cock,” Alex says.
“For fifty quid? Sure ok,” replies Grasshopper, wanting to sound extremely laid back to anything remotely sexual. As the rest of us leave them behind a little we can here the conversation go on. Alex has no idea if Grasshopper’s being serious or not.
As I make my way back into the office, I notice that Alex and Grasshopper are no longer behind me. They’re absent for a good ten minutes until Grasshopper suddenly appears at the editing suite door looking shaken, distracted and very red in the face.
“Oh Grasshopper,” I say, looking at him like a disapproving parent. He rapidly sits down at one of the Avids.
“So how do you open a file in here?” He asks, changing the subject. Jasper calls for Grasshopper.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Jasper asks, “You get an hour for lunch. You’re twenty minutes late.”
“I know, it just took ages for the food and…”
“Don’t give me that. Everyone else managed to get back on time. Make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Jasper sends him off to the post office to pick up the mail as Alex comes in and sits down, having narrowly missed Jasper’s wrath. I stare at him.
“Well?” I ask quietly. He sniggers, almost unable to explain what just happened.
“So… we went to the cash machine and I got out fifty pounds,” he says.
“Oh my God. Tell me what happened!”
“I took him next door, we went into the meeting room and I pulled down his jeans and got his cock out.”
“I can’t believe he let you do that!”
“Oh man, he was nervous. He was like, shaking.”
“But you still sucked his cock?”
“Well, yeah!”
“Oh man, you’re fucked up Alex.”
“But he didn’t stay hard.”
“Well I’m not surprised!”
“He actually asked me to stop.”
“That’s even worse! You’re sucking this teenager’s cock and he’s saying no!”
“I know man!” Says Alex getting back to work.
“So did you pay him?” I ask.
“Well he didn’t come, so I gave him twenty-five.”
“What?? He let you suck his cock and you’re only giving him half?”
“He said it was fair.”
“That’s because he’s traumatised. He came back in here looking like he’d just watched his parents die or something!” I can’t believe the things that happen in this office sometimes. It’s like it’s a magical place of lust and deviance. “How come you only just came in now?” I ask him.
“Well, afterwards I was kinda horny… so…”
“Yeah, I get it, please don’t go into detail!” We carry on our editing our scene specific trailers. I’m really looking forward to shooting Asscapades, not just shooting but directing and hosting. My turn in the spotlight! Alex turns to me one last time.
“I’m just glad I got him while he was still a teenager.” Wrong. So wrong.
Back at the flat that evening, Joe and I are sitting watching TV with our Chinese take away. He tells me he’s found a boat he wants to be part of the crew on. He’s going to be leaving for Spain in a couple of weeks time for three months. Wow, everything’s really hit him hard. I’m not surprised he just wants to get away. Three months on a boat would be bliss for him; he lives for that nautical stuff. This is kind of what he’s always wanted to do and now he has no reason to stay here and every reason to go. I’m going to be all alone. Who’ll watch TV with me now?
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