KARMA
Chlamydia. I’m sure it’s Chlamydia. It’s the most common sexually transmitted disease. One in ten people my age have it and it’s almost symptom-less for men. My penis is incredibly itchy. In the shower I can see that it’s a little swollen and I feel incredibly stupid. Actually I could have sworn we used a condom. That’s the thing about drunken evenings, you’re never quite sure what actually happened but I am definitely getting some kind of recollection of latex contraception. There’s a sexual health clinic down the road; I’m going to have to make an appointment for next week. This is so embarrassing. And so fucking annoying; I can’t believe the universe gives me such an awesome night and then feels compelled to balance it out with this almighty bombshell. How fucking lame is that? I really should look up these symptoms; I really don’t know enough about these things. I’m wondering when I should tell Amanda about this. After finding out what it is? That makes sense. How the hell is she going to react? I realise that she’ll be so humiliated by it, think I find her disgusting and never want to see me again. So upon much deliberation, I come to the conclusion that I just won’t tell her. I look at the text she sent me last night and stroll out of the bedroom.
I was thinking about the other night was so lovely to sleep under your arm wit my head on your chest. I love to be fucked then cuddled. Oh i miss it! Plus you are hot. Would do it again. Mmmmmm. Am xxx
As I leave for work I notice Joe on his computer writing an email to Amanda. I couldn’t make out exactly what he was writing, I’m sure its just friendly banter but it still pisses me off. Why does he have to be a third wheel like that? I wonder if I should send a text to her but I don’t want to come across as needy. Should I ask her what he’s saying? I don’t feel like I can trust her though; maybe she’ll tell Joe. You see what girls do? Maybe I should just do nothing; maybe that’s the only way to show Joe that he doesn’t have a chance and should just stop.
Alex and I are hard at work on the editing of Fresh Off The Bus 3. Right from the get go of the first one we had decided to edit the intros in the most amusing way we could. We would make Hazza do a load of different takes when he presented each scene, talking to the camera about the girl he was about to pick up from some train station. Hazza B Gunne was pure porno on the screen and we edited his loud mouthed, sarcastic, super-cool character to bits. At first it was to make it look stylised and MTV but we were now editing his intros and his interviews with the girls so the conversations they actually had weren’t there at all. We’d practically break down each sentence they each said and re-ordered it or cut it short in order to make it seem like they were having the most ridiculous conversations.
“How was your flight,” asks Haz in the back of a limo, holding up his camcorder to twenty-one year old Eve, who’s fresh from Prague and has been in the industry for about two weeks.
“My flight,” replies Eve.
“Yeah, where’ve you come from?”
“Um, I’m from Prague.”
“Are you?”
“Yeah.”
“So how was the flight?”
“Yeah.”
“Fantastic, so nice to meet you. So let me if I can… um… just show me your..”
“I like pink,” says Eve unzipping her top.
“Yeah, me too,” says Hazza copying her accent. “There we go, don’t mess about, it’s raining and all.” Eve opens her top revealing a stacked cleavage. “Oh my God. I’m very pleased you’ve come to London, my darling. So now we’re going to head back to the apartment to take you to the next level. Okay? But… um… do you mind if I feel your tits?”
I’m laughing hysterically at the small scene I’ve put together from a ton of different takes and tell Alex to come watch.
“Oh man. You have to show Hazza. That is great,” he says. In the footage, Hazza then asks me if I want to have a little feel, just to make sure everything is ok. I decide I’ll include him saying this and then cut straight to the apartment. Comedy genius. The next piece I’m editing is the small interview that Hazza and Eve have on the sofa. I watch the uncut footage and remember how drunk we all were at that point. Hazza is on his fifth vodka, lime and soda and is asking Eve about what she’s doing in London.
“Are you looking for work?” He asks her.
“No, I have here work.”
“Oh really? And what do you do?” Enquires Hazza.
“I make… movies,” she says being genuine.
“No, no, you need to… wait… um… Where’s my creative director? Rick?” I watch myself run over to her and explain that she has to pretend to do something else, I suggest that she says she’s a student, studying in London, take a quick peak at her incredible cleavage and run off screen. Take two and Hazza starts enquiring about her status yet again.
“So what are you doing here in London?” He asks, taking a sip of his vodka, lime and soda.
“Um… I fuck,” she says. It’s as if she just can’t lie and everyone on set laughs out loud again. I see myself come rushing in for the second time, telling her not to be a porn star!
“Look at him,” says Hazza, talking about me, “I can see it in his eyes, he’s thinking ‘I could do it so much better!’ He probably could too,” he turns to Eve, “bitch.” Hazza suddenly realises it looks like he’s just called his young, gorgeous performer a bitch right to her face and everyone is gasping in shock. “Ooh, sorry,” he says. I’m watching this footage, laughing so hard that it brings in Hazza from his desk, who wants to see what all the commotion is about.
“What are you guys laughing about?” He asks. “It sounds like you’re having far too much fun in here.” I show him the ‘bitch’ footage and then the edited intro scene and upon seeing himself grope Eve’s incredible breasts he goes beserk. “What is that? Take that out right now!”
“Why? It’s awesome. People want to see that,” I say, attempting to explain from a creative point of view.
“Yes but if my wife sees that she’s going to divorce me! Now take it out.” Well I guess that’s understandable. I take out the actual breast fondling but keep in the line about wanting to feel them.
Relish make about one film per month and it’s getting close to the time where Hazza decides what he wants to make next. I’ve had a great idea that I’m working on in my lunch-breaks; a porno based around the adventures of the Relish office. I’ve called it The Orifice, the idea being that porn stars would play everyone who works at Relish and we see a bunch of sexy scenarios involving affairs between colleagues, the lube run, which ends up getting sexual with the sex shop owner and surprise visits my sexy, busty electricians. I’ve managed to parody everyone in this work of art and it’s almost done. I need an ending and while eating my Tesco microwavable meal I remember Hazza’s story about the strap-on. He and Jasper many years before had organised a little party in the office. During the evening, one of the girls said she has always wanted to fuck a guy with a strap-on and Hazza being the kind of guy who’ll try anything once (if drunk and high enough) accepted her invitation and they moved into the small washroom in the corner of the office. I remember Hazza telling of how this woman lubed up this dildo attached to her groin as he leant over the basin, legs apart, slightly quivering from both anticipation and fear. When she started to insert it he looked up to see his reflection in he mirror and the sight of this drunken, dishevelled man in his 30’s getting pummelled in the arse by some hooker with a strap-on stared back and apparently it just didn’t sit right with him. His reflection started shouting out, “Don’t look at my face! Don’t look at my face!” He knew it would haunt him forever. After a few seconds he pushed her out saying, “No, it’s not for me.” That’s why I love Hazza so much; he is absolutely willing to try anything and will always tell you exactly what happened. His life is an open book for all to come and gaze at with wonder and marvel at all the hideously uncomfortable, incredibly illegal, unbelievably hilarious things he has done in his life.
I quickly type out an outro where the cameras burst in on him and Jasper half naked with a bunch of models in the office, one of them wearing a strap-on. They insist the cameras leave as they struggle to hide their faces.
I slap the script down on Hazza’s desk with a smile. He looks at it and then up at me.
“What is this?” He enquires.
“Just something I’ve been working on,” I say and leave him to have a read. I head outside and take a deep breath, pulling the scrap on paper with the number of the Archway Sexual Health Clinic that I managed to sneakily look up earlier on. I phone the number and make an appointment finding that my voice really travels in the corridor and I try to move to a more private location but everywhere gives my voice an echo. I make the appointment for the end of the week, annoyed that I’m going to have to ask Hazza for the morning off work. It means I’m going to have to tell him.
Before Alex comes back from lunch I call Hazza into the editing room and ask if we can talk.
“Sure buddy,” he says closing the door behind him, “what’s up?”
“I went to this party at the weekend,” I explain. Hazza’s face lights up.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, and there was this girl who couldn’t get enough of me when she found out I made porn.”
“Fucking brilliant! Dick Bush strikes!”
“Yeah, we did it in the bathroom and then in the bed and it was awesome.”
“That is very cool Rick.” Hazza looks proud of me. I feel quite good telling him this, it’s almost like he’s a mentor in the ways of filth. It’s just unfortunate that it ends with an itchy penis.
“It is cool. But what’s not cool is my itchy bell-end.” His first reaction is to smile uncontrollably and then laugh out loud.
“Ha ha! You fucker, you got roasted!” Not quite what I want to hear but he starts calms down a bit.
“I think it might be Chlamydia or something,” I say.
“Does it hurt when you pee?” He’s a doctor now.
“No. It’s just itchy.”
“Doesn’t sound like Chlamydia buddy. Trust me.” That’s actually a load off; if anyone knows STI symptoms it’s going to be Hazza. “You need to get down the clinic but I’m sure it’s nothing major.”
“Yeah, I’ve booked an appointment for Friday. Is it alright to have the morning off?”
“Of course. Of course. Just put it the book.” He lets out another yelp of laughter and heads back to his desk.
It’s a couple of hours after lunch when I hear Jasper’s distinctive laugh. It’s more a roar of noise than anything else; an exhalation of air, which reminds everyone around him that he is there and he is the top dog.
“Dick Bush!” Shouts Jasper. “Get out here!” I wonder out of the editing room too see Jasper holding my script. He’s so amused by it that he suggests we all sit and have a read through, with each of us playing our parts. Fantastic, they love it, I’m going to get to direct, finally. The read through takes place at the end of the day and it’s hysterical. I’ve made Don and Dee Dee have an argument, as they always do but then make up with a bit of hardcore sex action. They are pissing themselves at the dialogue I’ve used which is a real conversation I heard them have.
“You did actually ask me that Don!” Says Dee Dee. “I’d just finished making a sale on the phone and you suddenly asked me if I’ve ever been fisted and if so, did they slowly ease it in all at once or work it up finger by finger!”
“I was writing a blog about it, I just needed to know and you’re the only girl in the office,” Don replies.
“The only girl you know more like.”
“Oh well done, very funny, the wit just oozes out of you.”
“Fuck you Don.”
“I think this is the moment you guys start going for it, isn’t it?” I say. Dee Dee slams the script down and makes her way back to her desk making genuine dry heaving noises.
“Just imagine his cock in your mouth Dee Dee,” says Hazza, causing Jasper to let out an almighty roar of laughter and Dee Dee to run to the toilet holding her hand over her mouth.
As I’m walking from the office to Hammersmith tube station I get a phone call from Amanda; we chat about what we’ve each been up to, me with my script and editing, her with her drinking. Apparently she’s had some argument with her mum and is having to stay at a friend’s house. She really wants to move to London but isn’t sure how to do it. I tell her that she’s welcome to come stay with me for a while if she likes. She tells me that she’d been thinking about coming down for a little holiday, maybe a week or so. She asks me if I’ll look after her and I tell her how I feel like I really want to. She seems a bit of a mess and I’m sure all she needs is someone to be there for her. She says she’ll sort something out and get back to me. I’m so glad I didn’t tell her about the itchiness. Always use a condom. Always!
I walk past the clinic entrance about three times before I actually walk in. I try to time it so that no one is actually walking past me as I do; I want to be a ghost; float in, get it done and leave. I fill out the form and wait in a room reminiscent of a dentists waiting area, except that all the magazines are about sexual health, gay lifestyle and contraception apart from the obligatory Heat magazine which I pick up and read an article about Kerry Katona’s breasts. It’s not too long before I’m called in to have my tests done. The nurse asks if I’m happy to have a student in the room too. Stood next to her is this rather good-looking girl holding some kind of clipboard.
“Sure,” I say, wondering to myself if this is going to turn into some kind of porn orgy. My fantasies are totally destroyed when they start pushing needles into my arm. I really can’t stand blood being taken out of my body; it’s not the sight of it, it’s like I can feel the life draining from me. I need that blood to live and you’re taking it away. I wish I didn’t do Human Biology at A-Level and then remember than I got an E and pretty much didn’t. The nurse asks me to lower my jeans and underwear for the final two tests. She has to push two swabs down the end of my cock. At first, probably to keep nerves at bay, I’m thinking yes come on ladies take a look but when you’re sat on a medical table with a flaccid penis hanging out, you can’t help but notice how pathetic it looks. I’m moments away from explaining that it only looks this small because I’m sitting down and that if I stood it would be much larger but manage to stop myself in time for the nurse to bring out two giant cotton buds, which look like they’re used to clean The BFG’s ears. I really don’t want those things down the end of my urethra and it’s only the fact that this student nurse is here that makes me seem totally calm about it. I don’t want to lose face in front of her. The nurse asks me to hold open the end of my penis and she pokes the things down the tip. I take a sharp inhalation of breath. That was bloody uncomfortable. She gets the other, larger one and tells me that this one may feel rather uncomfortable. She pushes it down and out as quick as she can but it doesn’t stop it from being incredibly intrusive and painful. I’m all done and she tells me to wait in the waiting room again and sends me off with a free brown bag full of condoms.
I’m waiting for about ten minutes in the room with a couple of other guys and to be honest I’m not nervous; I manage to distract myself by reading through ancient Heat magazines, almost expecting to read something about Charles and Diana splitting up. There’s one guy in here who keeps walking over to the water dispenser and gulping down plastic cupfuls of liquid every thirty seconds. That’s a guy who has something to be worried about and it’s because of him that I feel fine. I’m called yet again for my results and I’m told by a doctor that it was just some thrush, not any STI and I’m totally clear of anything nasty. He gives me some cream which will make the, admittedly already disappearing, thrush go and I leave his office with yet another brown bag of condoms.
I get to work and finish laying off Fresh Off The Bus 3 episodes to tape, which are sent to Playboy to be put on The Adult Channel as are all of Relish’s films. Hazza comes in to discuss the next film with me and Alex and when I bring up The Orifice I’m told that he wants to put that on the backburner; it’s funny but probably only to us in the actual office; no-one else will get it. Dammit. I really wanted to make something amazing, something which people aren’t just going to forward to the sex with. I’m sure it’s possible. The three of us throw some ideas around and any big scale storyline features are shot down. Hazza wants to do more reality stuff like Fresh Off The Bus, particularly revolving around a specific porn genre. I immediately say breasts, big huge breasts. Hazza wants anal and Alex suggests GILF’s. Needless to say the next flick is going to be about anal. Now we just need an idea. After a throwing more ideas around we come up with a sort of Jim’ll Fix It style show. We take suggestions from viewers and attempt to make their fantasies come true. I suggest Dick’ll Fix It as a title, implying that I should present it. Hazza likes the idea of me presenting; he feels like he’s passing the torch to his young padawan learner. The idea is greeted pretty warmly but Hazza wants to ensure that each scene has anal. He runs the pitch by Playboy but apparently they already have a similar show and so shoot us down. The idea changes to a Challenge Aneka style show; we get challenges written in from viewers who want to see porn stars do certain things; get shown around a property by an estate agent and then fuck her in the arse. That kind of thing. We suggest I carry around a briefcase full of cash, which is how I get these people to do these anal related naughty things. Now all we need is a title. Challenge Dick? Briefcase full of Arse? For Lust or Money? Anal Escapades? The title of any porn film is the one of the two most important things when it comes to selling it. The other is the front cover; if the punter isn’t going to pick it up or even glance at it, he’s not going to be buying it. The title should let the punter know exactly what he’s getting. We’re making an anal film so the title needs that in it. The more filthy titles tend to sell more but look rather low class. You also want something that rolls of the tongue; I know you can go out and find, Fat Bitches Take it from Nine Guys Whilst Sucking off Trannies Volume 5 but Relish is a little classier than that and so are their titles. After a few days of discussion we settle upon Asscapades.
We arrange to discuss shoot dates the following week and since it’s Friday and Don’s birthday tomorrow we all go out for a few drinks. Don invites us all to his party tomorrow night I decide to text Natalie, who was an extra in Semi-Automatic. She asked me out about a month ago and we went to the cinema. It turned out she still had a boyfriend but they had some bizarre open relationship. I ask if she wants to come to this party tomorrow and await her reply. It’s rather late by the time I get home and I am feeling so ridiculously tired that I fall asleep as soon as I fall into bed.
In the morning I’m surprised by the lack of any severe hangover and wander into the kitchen to make a coffee. I greet Joe who’s in the living room packing his bag, gearing up for another day’s shooting of his indie movie he’s working on. I head back to my bedroom with my coffee.
“Hello,” I hear a chirpy voice say. I turn to look in Joe’s room and there’s Amanda, lying naked in his bed.
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