Chapter 1: END OF TERM PARTY

It’s 9:52pm, Saturday, 14^th July 2006 and I’m standing up at against a bar in a Covent Garden nightclub at The London Film School’s graduation party talking to Alex about work, our grad films and the fact I had brought a rather large, blonde girl with me who had incredibly large boobs. A week previously I had chatted to April on a popular social networking site and even persuaded her to come meet up with my flatmate Joe and I for a drink. Yes she was big, but those puppies were worth anything. Joe told me he felt nauseous just thinking about how big she was but I have to say bigger girls had always been easier, lustful and extremely appreciative.

So I had invited her along with Joe and I to the school’s end of term party and almost immediately realise I didn’t think of the reactions from some of my friends and acquaintances. As we walked to the party location, she waddled. Her inner thighs rubbed against each other and with every step I was half expecting her crotch to explode into flames.
Over the drone of film talk and discussions of cinematography Alex was telling me in his totally bizarre anglicised Mexican accent he had been working for an adult film company.

            “You’re working in porn?” I ask.

            “Yeah man! We just finished shooting a film this week.” He passes me a company business card with RELISH printed on one side in front of a selection of gorgeous girls. I turn it over to see the address, SATISFACTION HOUSE. Oh my god, I think this may be the greatest business card I’ve ever seen.

            “That is so fucking cool. So what are you doing there exactly? And how the hell do you go about working for a porn company?” I ask wondering what the hell I was going to do now that film school was over. My only supplementary income besides the allowance I got from my trust fund money was from occasionally being an extra in films and TV.

            “I saw an ad on Gumtree and applied. They wanted an Editor but they’re also getting me to do camera work too,” he says in an extremely relaxed manor in his native Mexican accent. “They’re really cool guys actually, and they make fun films, ya know, not crappy Gonzo shit, the scripts are actually really funny.”

            “I’ve always wondered, if I made a porn film, how good I could make it, you know? Like, we could seriously make an awesome erotic film and make it… well, really awesome.” I start thinking about what could potentially make the greatest porn film ever seen.

            “Yeah dude, exactly, I’m thinking about writing something for them, you know, something truly erotic. Fantasies that people actually have…”

            “Yeah, and you know we could get the porn stars to act properly, I mean we’ve been taught how to do that. I’ve gotten people to act who didn’t think they could.”

            “Exactly! Man, it would be cool.” Alex is smiling ear to ear, he’s obviously been dying to tell people about this and I don’t blame him. “Hey, they’ve been talking about hiring an editing assistant.”

            “Oh really.” I start to perk up.

            “Yeah, would you be interested?”

            “Editing porn? I reckon I could handle that!”

            “Cool man, well I’ll talk to them and maybe give you a call next week.” Alex goes off to mingle and I turn back to Joe and April and tell them about Alex and his job.

            11:33pm and Joe has headed back to the flat and April and I wander over to the local pub where many of the film students frequent. We don’t stay long as it’s packed and a few of my closer film school buddies see me with April and I start getting really embarrassed. I’m Twenty-Five and haven’t had the greatest of sex lives; most of the encounters had ended far too soon or had just generally been pretty bad. I was charismatic but lacked the confidence to be all I could be and this would peeve me greatly. I would see other people in relationships and wonder why, for fuck’s sake why, I was destined to be alone. Therefore I had decided I would browse the internet, chat to girls, preferably with rather large boobs, have a bit of a flirt session with them and then invite them out. Online confidence made easy. That was how I had met Jodie last year and had practically been boyfriend/girlfriend, well on and off. It was casual, we both saw other people; basically we were fuck buddies, who had a laugh. I actually managed to have great sex with her; I guess all I needed was to feel comfortable. Which in turn is why I’m here with April, up against a wall outside the back of a pub snogging her face off; I’m not out of my depth, I don’t feel intimidated, I just hope I don’t pass out before we get to my flat.

            Back at the flat in Archway, North London and I am pissed out of my skull but we still manage to consume another can of lager each before staggering to the bedroom. Earlier on I had half regretted bringing April but now I was well and truly drunk it was all fun and games. We fall onto the bed and I eagerly kiss her, fondling her giant boobs and eventually get them out. My god! They are enormous. Fucking jackpot! We had sex with half our clothes on, which was a turn on, and all was well. Alcohol was my friend. As was the DVD of Top Gun that I’d put in right before we got down to it.

            Sure, it may seem strange to pop in an extremely homoerotic film about American fighter pilots but it’s film I have seen an immense amount of times and not because of the amount of sex I’d had. It was comforting to hear Harold Faltermeyer’s Top Gun Anthem playing over the first few minutes of jet fighters taking off from an aircraft carrier. Tony Scott’s visual orgy of warm colours of dawn mixing with the cold metal of the aircraft has now become a stable of Michael Bay films, a lot of which are also produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Don’t fool yourselves, this was porn, just like every Michael Bay film, porn. All it needed was sex and that’s what I had right in front of me. I recommend it if you were a childhood fan of the film and you’re single. Next time you bring someone back, instead of putting on some cheap, cringe worthy music, reach for your DVD collection and pull out your wingman. Trust me, if you make it to “Tower, this is Ghostrider requesting a flyby” you can’t help but smile. It makes me feel at home in any kind of otherwise nervous situation.

            The next morning I wake up to find April’s hand on my crotch, caressing it. Now, I can understand that this should be a very cool thing, being woken up via a handjob. But I can’t help feeling a little violated. She’s now reaching her hand inside my boxer shorts and she’s actually jerking me off. I decide to pretend to stay asleep to see what she’ll do, to see if she’ll stop once she sees I’m not awake but she carries on going! I can’t believe it. So I pretend to wake up and smile. She retorts by getting under the covers and starts sucking me off. Jesus Christ. I have to admit that this is one hell of a way to wake up. So I come in her mouth and I make sure I tell just before I do, as this is the rule, and we all know it. This girl is dirty. And I quite like that. But my god she is really big.

            April leaves later that morning and I watch her waddle her way out. For the rest of the day Joe keeps giving me nasty looks as if to say, how? How could you have done that? She was bloody massive. And then he doesn’t bother with the nasty looks and just flat out asks, how? How could you do that? She was bloody massive. And I shrug and tell him it was fun. She was fun. I had a good time.

By pure coincidence Joe had gone for an interview at Relish Films last month for a Production Manger’s position. He didn’t get it but thought it would have been so much fun to work at a porn company. He was pretty proud he even got an interview there. I have never heard of the company but after last night’s conversation with Alex I was fairly intrigued. I got the business card out of my wallet and looked them up on the internet. After simply typing in Relish and getting a lot of entries for dances and recipes I add the word film and sure enough right at the top of the page, the first entry is for RelishXXX, Joe and I browsed their selection of films, amusing ourselves at the mediocre wittiness of the titles including To The Manor Porn and Weapons of Mass Satisfaction.

To be continued....