FRESH OFF THE BUS
Part 2
Hazza and Alex get back and I instantly notice a difference in Hazza’s swagger and general demeanour. He’s beaming a massive smile on his face and he looks more laid back wearing his leather jacket and large black sunglasses. He looks like a true porn director. I remember wondering if he was always so stressed at the beginning of a shoot day. He was on the phone to models and agents making sure they were still coming and even had to make a quick booking since one girl had dropped out for some unknown reason. But now he seemed chilled. He was at home. He belonged on the set of a porno and he was at his most comfortable and happiest here.
“Alright guys?” he asks us. “Harmony my darling, let’s get you into the bedroom and we’ll shoot the little interview and the striptease.” His accent’s changed. He’s become more cockney. He’s no longer that posh guy from the office, he has totally become his porn directing alter ego, Hazza B Gunne and he seems so much better for it. Getting out of the office for a few days a month to shoot a movie is obviously something he looks forward to. It’s a get away from any troubles, where he can be himself and not worry about a thing.
Alex helps me put on the steady-cam harness and Hazza and Harmony move into the bedroom. Her name is Harmony Hex. She’s only done a couple of other shoots before this one and you’d think she’d be nervous but she’s happy and jolly and very chatty. Her blonde hair is pulled back in a ponytail and she’s wearing simple jeans and tight t-shirt. Her northern accent reverberates against the walls when she sees me with a huge piece of equipment strapped to my body walk into the room.
“What the fuck is that? I dunno what you got planned boys but I don’t do that!” she jokes, getting to her knees on the edge of the bed and grabbing the microphone on the camera. She starts miming oral sex with it and then turns around and sticks her small tight bum in the air and I can’t help but join in and start ramming the end of the camera into her buttocks as she mimics an orgasm.
Hazza reels her back to the other end of the bed and we get rolling. We’re shooting two cameras, it’s just a simple interview; Alex is focusing on close ups, while I’m getting a wide shot. Simple. It goes beautifully. Hazza’s funny, Harmony is amusing; there are loads of laughs.
Next up is the strip and again both Alex and I are shooting it. I’m sure this could be done with a single camera but I understand that Hazza must be easing my way to shooting full hardcore porn. It’s like stretching before a workout; you never go straight in dry, you’ve got to ease your way up.
Harmony is a natural at taking her clothes off. I’m fairly certain at this point that Miss Hex has taken her clothes off in some professional capacity before. She works both cameras, looking into them as she peels off her clothes. She lies back on the bed completely naked and from off screen, Hazza tells her to start playing with herself and then positions me as close to her as I can get with a huge great steady-cam protruding out of me and zooms my camera into a close up of her open vagina.
“That’s the shot,” Hazza says. “Right there.” I hold the camera steady, which you’d think would be easy with a steady-cam but is in fact very difficult, especially when you’re zoomed into a close up of porn star chuff. A steady-cam is traditionally used for movement not standing still. And as a rule, if someone is stripping, they tend not to be travelling anywhere in a huge hurry.
On cue Harmony fakes an orgasm and we have all we need for the strip, which turned out to be much more than a strip. I suppose the girls must be experts at faking it. I could never go out with one, every time we’d have sex I’d be wondering if it was my sexual prowess that had caused her to achieve the heights of orgasmic pleasure or if it was her unparalleled acting ability. You can’t sustain a relationship like that, not that I’d know, the closest I’ve ever come to having a proper relationship is Jodie and she’s just an occasional, casual thing. And I was more than a little relieved when she disappeared to travel around Europe last month. It was starting to feel like we were a proper couple; every weekend was an implied date. If one of us had an event to go to, we’d take the other. I had gone to her graduation party; she had come to some of my friend’s birthday parties. In fact it was her graduation party night that we and all her friends went back to their house and she had left me alone to go and chat to her pals. There I was, sat among complete strangers and I realised that I would just rather be elsewhere. I wasn’t having fun. Something was wrong. It just didn’t feel right. And I left. I just walked out of the house and walked home, telling myself I’d stop at the kebab shop and get some food and then maybe come back but I didn’t even do that. I walked straight past it and went home. Jodie rang me wanting to know where I was and I really didn’t want to talk to her but fuck it, I guess I had to tell her something. She was really upset and wanted me to come back but she said her friends thought it was a really weird thing to do and I just couldn’t face seeing them look at me with disapproving eyes. Fuck them, I thought. I didn’t even know them and they didn’t know me. No one did. The only person who does in any way is Joe I guess but that’s what happens when you’ve known someone since you were a child.
Make-up takes about an hour and Alex and I have a drink while Demetri tells us how he wishes his call time had been later so he could spend another hour in bed, even though it’s already three-thirty since we couldn’t get into the room until after 2pm. His subtle masturbation had slowly ceased after Hazza informed him that he wouldn’t be needed for about an hour or so but even now whilst stirring three sugars into my coffee I notice him give his crotch a squeeze. It’s almost like it’s an involuntary action; his head is obviously hardwired to manually stimulate and maintain an erection whenever he’s on set. I understand his plight though, he’s had a full on throbber for forty minutes already, and the last thing he wants when we eventually start filming is an aching cock and blue balls.
Harmony is looking spectacular after spending an hour and ten minutes being decorated by Max but I think even Hazza would look fuckable after spending an hour being caked in glamour powder.
The photographer, Andy P arrives and Demetri and Harmony exchange their HIV tests, which I learn also contains test results for Hepatitis, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. All performers have to be squeaky clean and infection free if they want to make money. There’s always been a view that porn stars are walking petri dishes, riddled with disease but the truth is they’re the cleanest people you could meet next to the Jonas Brothers. It makes sense, if they want to make money they have to be careful. Andy P doesn’t look like your classic, stereotypical porn photographer or any other kind of photographer to be honest. Unlike Hazza B Gunne's leather jacket and huge jet-black sunglasses, Andy P is wearing a simple modest patterned shirt and jeans. He generally seems like a normal, nice guy, not made for porn. He greets Hazza with a handshake and sets up his lights in front of ours for the stills and I can’t stop wondering why he would call himself Andy P. What kind of a hideous surname must he have that he feels compelled to shorten it to single letter? Peninsula? Proctological? Prius? I guess it’s better than McG.
We’re shunned into the living room as the performers and photographer make themselves at home in the bedroom and Demetri is finally able to unleash his rigidity.
Forty minutes later and the photos are done, the talent have had a rest and Alex and I are set up with our cameras in the bedroom. Hazza is positioning Harmony in the bed and takes a moment to brush some hair out of her face and adjust her breasts. They’re real, not enhanced in anyway, so I guess that means they must need plumping up every now and then. And of course that plumping responsibility would naturally reside with the Director.
“Rick. Let’s start with a full shot of Harmony,” says Hazza, moving me right in front of the gorgeous model. “And Harmony, if you just start caressing your boobs, then get up onto your knees and say directly into the camera “Give me a cock”, okay?” Harmony nods and Hazza moves Demetri to the door. “Dem, that’s your cue to walk in.” Demetri is wearing a black suit and white open neck shirt. He actually looks very dashing in a suave James Bond kind of way.
“With my cock out?” Demetri asks?
“Yep, I want the fly open and your cock sticking right out. Basically, you are just a cock in this scene. It’s all about the new talent, she’s fresh off the bus, she wants to be in the porn industry and you’re going to show her how to get fucked. So don’t say anything. Just walk up to her and let her suck your cock and we’ll go straight into blowjob, we’ll see if we can get hard and soft at the same time okay guys?” Hazza looks at Alex and me and we nod back. “Rick, I’ll be standing over your shoulder to start with, just making sure you’re getting the shots, okay?”
“Got it,” I say and Demetri waits outside, listening for his cue.
“Roll cameras guys,” Hazza says and Alex and I press record.
“Sync,” says Alex and points his camera at me. Just as he’d instructed me earlier and how I had seen on the rushes during editing, I point my camera at his and he clicks his fingers together in front of both. This does the job of a clapper board and enables both tapes of footage to be synchronized during the edit.
“Okay my darling, when you’re ready, caress those boobs, onto your knees and then “I want a cock” right into the camera,” Hazza reiterates his original direction and Harmony nods. She starts running her hands over her small but pert boobs, giving them a squeeze through the sexy lingerie Hazza had chosen for her. She gazes into the camera and I concentrate on keeping the frame steady but my natural film student instincts kick in and I want to move the camera, so I start slowly moving round to my right and I feel that this just makes the shot a bit more dynamic and more interesting to look at. Harmony gets up onto her knees and I get this feeling that even though Hazza had told her the line a couple of times she was going to mess it up.
“Give me a cock,” she says and Demetri walks in with his large hard penis protruding from his trousers. I get a sudden rush of excitement, not just because Harmony got her line right and Demetri managed to come in on his cue but because my slight movement to the right had brought the door into my frame and as soon as John walked in my auto-focus had shifted from Harmony’s tantalizing breasts on the bed to Demetri’s penis behind her. He walks up to her and she turns to be greeted with his cock in front of her face. She eagerly grabs it and starts licking and sucking. I try to hide a smile that insists on taking over my face but I only manage it one side and I can feel that I have this ridiculous half smirk going on that must make me look like I’m in the middle of having some kind of horrific stroke. I’m filming a girl sucking a guys cock right in front of me and it’s only when I stop looking at the view screen of the camera and stare at the actual sex act taking place with my own eyes that I see how totally bizarre this job is. I’m getting paid to do this. I’m watching her goggle his meat and my focus is totally distracted and when I glance back at the view screen I see that my framing is horribly off and I slowly correct it, getting the cock to the centre of frame without chopping her head off.
Harmony is the focus here. Demetri’s cock is second. Demetri himself is relegated to a supporting role and I see that Harmony is in no way objectified here. Demetri is the object. He’s just a cock. A living biological factory whose produce is the only thing anyone cares about.
I try to get a shot-reverse-shot, a process by which you get two similar over the shoulder shots of each actor but when I move my camera to behind Harmony’s shoulder, facing Demetri’s penis, Hazza moves me back to behind Demetri facing Harmony’s bulging cheek.
“Keep her in the shot buddy, we’re not interested in him,” he says, peering over my shoulder at my framing. Alex is shooting soft and I notice him constantly moving the camera obviously trying to cover up any actual footage of the act with Demetri’s shoulder.
Thirty seconds later and Hazza moves me back to get a long shot and I’m starting to get what’s required; Loads of close up action, a few facial reaction shots, about thirty seconds of wide angle shots, I presume just to remind the viewer of the setting the performers are in after they fast forward through all the set up.
The scene is going smoothly and we only halt shooting for a couple of minutes every now and then so the performers can get a drink and take a breather. We also have to stop a couple of times due to the performers laughing hysterically. It never occurred to me that porn films would have outtakes or that the stars themselves would get the giggles during intercourse. I know that when I’m lucky enough to be intimate with a woman I’m concentrating as best I can, no time for fun and laughter. But Demetri has a tendency to improvise some amazing lines. I had noticed this whilst editing a scene he was in for The Cockwell Inn, where he’s interviewing a potential barmaid for a job. He’s fucking her in his office, bending her over his desk and keeps asking her about what other skills she has, whether she can do filing etc. He then comes out with the almighty line. “I tell you what… you are fucking awesome behind a desk.” I was laughing out loud in the editing suite. Everyone in the office must of thought I was rather odd.
The first of Demetri’s two lines today that manage to make us all bawl with laughter is during the blowjob. Amongst the usual, “Yeah, that’s it, oh fuck yes. Yeah suck it baby, suck it” there’s suddenly, “Yeah, suck it like a lollypop.” It’s Harmony who first bursts into laughter, then Demetri who continues thrusting his cock inside her mouth, even though she’s laughing and choking at the same time and it’s this that gets Alex and me going.
“Take it out of her mouth Dem,” chirps Hazza, booming a loud raucous laugh. “You’re going to kill her!”
It’s two positions later, during a reverse cowgirl, where Harmony is on top of Demetri but facing away from him, that Demetri brings his second showstopper. He’s bouncing her up and down and his cock pops out of her. Harmony starts rubbing her pussy on it, so he grabs hold of his member and starts slapping it on her moist lady-part saying, “Let’s give that cunt a round of applause!” After almost wetting ourselves we try to continue shooting but when Hazza says action, Harmony and Demetri crack up. They start getting into it, then Demetri starts saying something and Harmony has to hide her face from the camera to conceal the laughter. We have to take a break just to let them cool down and get it out of their system and I’m so glad I can finally take this huge damn steady-cam off me. I have sweat patches like lakes on my chest and back and I know that when I put it back on, it’s going to feel incredibly uncomfortable and wrongly moist.
We shoot for another thirty minutes or so and we get to the fake pop shot. As we’re shooting both hard and soft versions, we need to have an ending, which can get an 18 certificate rating and is also safe for television broadcast on those late night cable channels. It’s one thing to see a girl fake an orgasm, it’s quite another to experience a man doing it. Demetri is instructed to fake an ejaculation inside Harmony and after thirty seconds of humping he lets rip. The orgasmic scream he gives sounds more like the noise that a crowd of men make when their favorite football team misses a goal.
We move to the final shot of the scene, the money shot; the pop. Both of our cameras are pointed at Demetri’s penis and Harmony’s face as she jerks it hard with her hand, only stopping to suck it a little. This seemingly endless beating of his cock, which would have made me come long ago, doesn’t seem to be enough for Demetri and he insists on taking over. The idea that this man has become so desensitized to any kind of mutual sex act and needs to personally take over stimulation duties in order to achieve climax troubles me immensely. Will I become so bored of watching porn that I simply wont be able to enjoy any kind of sex ever again? Will it just become dull and boring? Will I reach the end of the day and find that the thought of sex just makes me think of hard work? These thoughts rapidly fade as Demetri exclaims, “Oh yes, yes, that’s it.” Does he realize he’s technically talking to himself? And ejaculates with the force of a shotgun all over Harmony’s squinting features, another load hits her directly in the eye and yet another, this one more powerful that the other gobs of man milk and also accompanied with a little yelp from Demetri, goes over her shoulder and hits the wall behind her. The rest of his five-roper lands on her chest and slowly drips to her nipples. She is covered. I thought I came a lot but this guy, when he comes, he comes with the thunder.
“Oh yeah, oh yeah,” says Demetri wiping his happy juice on Harmony’s chin.
Hazza has been watching my camera screen and moves from behind me next to Harmony.
“Now that’s what I call a fucking pop shot! Bulls eye!” he says, slapping his hands together and turning to me. “Rick, medium shot on Harmony, make sure you can see the spunky nipples. Harmony, if you could just look into camera and say, “Now I’m a porno starlet” and give a wink or blow a kiss or something.”
Harmony delivers her line and is told she can go and shower.
“Right,” says Hazza, “Monkey face time.”
“Oh, really?” Demetri says, looking like he’d much rather go join Harmony in the shower. “I feel so stupid doing this.”
Hazza zooms my camera into Demetri's face from a low angle.
“We just need to get Dem’s facial expressions for the pop,” he explains. “So if you shoot from down here, looking up. And action Demetri.” He starts wanking directly in front of my face as I film his face which I assume will be edited into that shot of him actually wanking into Harmony’s. I hope for the love of all things awesome that his tank is empty as he lets out another cry of fake orgasmic pleasure and finally the first scene of the day is over. I just filmed porn.
The evening scene starts pretty late but the adrenaline kicks in and Hazza leaves Alex and I to shoot it, saying he has the utmost confidence in us but really he’s just incredibly drunk by now and seems to have developed a case of the sniffles. I feel in control during this scene; I feel like Alex and I are a team. A porn making team and this scene goes even smoother. We wrap at about 11pm and I am absolutely shattered and dripping with sweat and waiting to use the shower and sat on the bed talking to our second model Kristi Love about the industry as she dries herself from her shower. She’s from Eastern Europe somewhere and Relish has flown her to London specifically for this shoot.
“Isn’t it kind of scary coming to work with people you don’t know?” I ask, genuinely intrigued as to what kind of person does this job.
“Yeah, I travel everywhere and I have no idea where I’m going or who I’m meeting. It’s really scary. I have to call my boyfriend when I arrive just to let him know I’m safe,” she says in her incredibly lustful accent. It’s one hell of a job doing what she does, I can see how it’s easy for UK porn stars to work here, there are so few of them, they all know each other and work with one another so often; there’s not much fear or worry. But I can imagine that having to fly to a strange country and meet with strange people and have sex with someone you’ve never met before could make you incredibly anxious.
After my incredibly refreshing shower I join Alex, Hazza, Max and the two remaining porn stars in the living room and have a drink.
“Rick and Alex. Quick crew meeting please,” says Hazza and he heads to the bedroom with Alex and motions for me to join them as I swig a mouthful of beer. I carry my bottle to the bedroom and Hazza closes the door, taking a sip of his ice filled Vodka, Lime and Soda.
“Well done guys, that was a bloody smooth shoot. Rick, you did brilliant,” he says patting his hand on my shoulder.
“It was… a lot of fun,” I say smiling.
“Right,” says Hazza pulling something out of his pocket. “I think we each deserve a little treat.”
Am I the coolest person on the planet or what? I wonder as I get on the tube and head for home. It’s near twelve and there are only a few people on my train but I feel like I want to meet some drunk guy who’ll ask me about my day, just so I can tell him I’ve been filming porn. I feel so proud. What have you done today? I filmed a man ejaculating on a woman’s face, how has your day been? I am in the porn industry. I am a pornographer. I will be the envy of all my friends. I’m so happy; I really had no idea what I was going to do after leaving the film school. I had some plan about making an awesome short film, sending it to film festivals and waiting for some producer to see it and ask me to make some film for him. That was actually my plan. This is much better. Quality of life is so important and I think that graduates can forget this, they’re always looking for the quick easy way to their ideal positions in life, struggling through it all. At least that’s what I was going to do. And even if this isn’t where I ever imagined myself being, who in the world would turn down the opportunity to film porn for a living. This is an experience that no-one could turn down; this is living right here. This is experience of something that not many people get to see or know. I’m in a privileged position and I should use this to as many advantages as I possibly can. Fuck, I can’t stop grinding my teeth.
Back home I get in and see that Joe is in his room so I grab a drink of water and head to mine and turn on my laptop since I’m not too tired yet. I check my e-mails and see that I have one from April:
hey you
you seem to have dropped off the face of the earth! could you do me a favour and just let me know what the deal is.....
so is it.....
a) you only wanted to have a one nighter so were charming enough to make that happen but that's it
b) you're just not that into me
c) you're really busy right now
d) you're trapped under something really really heavy
e) you're just a bit of a wanker
f) you're really sorry and you'd like to make it up to me
g) having sex really freaked you out and now you have no idea what to say to me
h) you just want to be friends
i) you just want to be fuck buddies
j) none of the above but you'd like to elaborate on whatever it is to get me up to speed
you probably think i'm a bit nuts for sending this....
if you could let me know that would be ace. but don't just disappear altogether -- that's just rude! lay your cards on the table!
whichever one of those it is -- cool with me -- i'd just like to know! ok?
anyway - thanks for inviting me to your wrap party thing. i had fun.
hope you've had a good week. i also had a kick ass house party at my old house sat night and went on the best date ever yesterday. i'm dating four people simultaneously at the moment -- i think it may be a record. i'm having as much fun as possible!
say hi to Joe for me!
cheers, april x
I can’t stand it when people don’t use proper grammar in their e-mails. I know it’s perfectly readable but it doesn’t take too much time and effort and just keeps you from seeming a bit cheap and common.
My reply:
Yeah, I know, I know. I'm bad.
Ok um..
b and e I guess. I just don't think it's gonna work out and I have a hard time talking about these kinds of things. Or rejecting anyone or getting rejected. I'm doing my best to get better.
Yeah, that should do it.
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